We look and search through the maze of life for love which also searches for us. But if we keep on looking then paths may never cross. So do we stand still so that one can be found and find our peace within? But if we all did that then no one would ever win. Or would all be peaceful and content to stand and never mate. After careful and pernicious thought I think I'll masturbate.

Is it wrong of me to want to seduce a girl working as a stripper who is also like 10 years younger that me (ok 12 years younger). I am the kind of guy who will fall for a complete stranger or my cousin or my mom's friend or a stripper or a lesbian. It's like I do it to myself (I do and that's what really hurts). I don't take it to heart and I guess love is a strong word. These are crushes. Here is the worst part. I went to the Ballet (a strip club in my area) and had a great evening. a couple of beers and a couple of dances. but the last girl who gave me a dance made a real impression on me (and no it was not an impression of her lovely ass which I might add is a wonderfully sized ass with great strong thighs just below it and a cute little tummy). I don't know what it was exactly. I think it was a combination of things: her glasses, her cute face, the smell of her which was actually her, the sweat that was slightly cold when she brushed against me, the way she was sort of the girl next door. I guess She didn't actually look like a stripper.

So the saga continues. My wife and some friends and my brother all go to this same place and I was so looking forward to getting to see her again and maybe get another dance. But as soon as she gets out on the stage the girls that I am with start picking on her. "we should all chip in and get that girl some contacts" one girl says. And another makes fun of her John Deere hat and pajama type bunny shorts. It was thoroughly a let down. And then she walks around for a while and picks up a guy for a dance. When she comes back she mingles a bit and then just before she has to go back up on the floor she sits down and talks to me. She remembers me. (probably just my twenty but hopefully she remembers me for other reasons too) She says that she is having a bad night and that she wanted to go home because it was so dead but the boss wouldn't let her. She said that she wasn't feeling well and that it showed in her dancing and that is why she wasn't getting the private dances that she usually gets. I promised her a dance once she was through but before that happened the rest of my group wanted to go because they were bored.

I feel bad and I don't know when I can go back. but will she even be there. I am a nut job for even letting this take up space in my brain.

I have only a little bit of work left to do to get my machine running. I took a great course in motorcycle riding that also got me my license. The coarse was fantastic. The bike is an older Yamaha triple which is in pretty good shape. I am still going through the carbs and have got the brakes to go through but all the electrical and engine are working well. I hope that I will be able to ride it to work before the summer is out.

I am constantly reminded of all of the good things in my life. Yet the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. In the words of the smiths "I want the one I can't have and it's driving me mad."

I signed up for a swingtowns.com account to see if there were some swingers in our area who might want to play and got nothing but the notion that it was going to be pointless unless I payed for it. So I did. I got a couple of "tugs on the line" (to use a fishing analogy... though I haven't fished since I was a teenager). I ended up getting fed up with that service because it was mostly fake women or non responsive ones or lots and lots and lots of guys messaging me with little tact basically wanting to bang my wife. I finally got fed up and deleted my account. a month later when I was drunk (but not dressed up as the boss) I fell victim to my own stupidity and signed up with fling. well the same song and dance girls writing me saying how hot I was in my profile and that I should write them. Ah ha... I swear there are hairy dudes in the Philippines who have accounts on these services who write to noobs to get them to pay for it. so I paid for it. If you can imagine the grief is even worse with this site. I have actually found some real people but man I had a couple girls string me along for quite a while and then tell me they wanted to come stay with me for a weekend. I told them that I am married and have two kids and no guest room so that was not going to happen. The next step I can guess would be for the girl to ask me if could wire the money for airfare right? then I would never hear from her (or him) again. The other scam was that the girls tried to get me to sign up for some webcam site and if I did they could "unlock" their cam and give me a little show. "I really horny now. I got to show you my pussy. Please they won't charge you". Crap. there goes $4.99.

I wish I were more of a sleezebag because I could run these scams and make some good money.

I actually told one of these cam girls that I was going to off myself. (a joke).

Ok well I paid for three months of this so I am going to do my best to make use of it but man what a pain.

All I can say is that I am so glad that I am not single and that I do have the most awesome wife in the world. Otherwise that would not be frustration but despair.

Last night we went and saw the Suicide Girls Burlesque show. Basically a bunch of drunk people standing watching 5 or 6 girls who could stand to gain a few pounds who are tatooed and peirced with strange hairdoos and fem fatale attitudes strip to modern music under black lights with tape over their nipples. I was not too impressed. I got a lot of beer on me (mostly from the performers). I was standing for 3 hours straight with knot in my back an a sore foot when I got there. I was standing behind the two tallest people in the hall who where not there when I took my position.

there were a lot of women in the audiance which surprised me. There were also a bunch of dunderhead guys yelling "sit on my face" and stupid stuff like that.

I guess I am just a bit desensitized by all that I have seen. I mean girls with fake boobs kind of turn me off, but girls showing me all but what's under their panties and what is under some tape over their nipples while flipping me off and basically saying fuck you all, you suck and we have your money now is a bigger turn off.

The girls were ok. They did some good tricks. The danced ok. But over all it wasn't spectacular and was really not exciting.

I went home with a headache.

I consider myself a devout agnostic. Agnosticism is the belief that you do not know. I am unbending in my belief that I do not know what the whole truth really is. I am sticking to it and you cannot convince me otherwise. I am almost to the point of proselytizing this. Perhaps loki is putting thoughts into my head or satan or rama I don't know. Do I need to though? Does my "knowledge" of a higher power or a set of rules or allegory really make a difference as to whether I am a good person or not?

I will have to think about it and get back to you.....

I never write. I don't like my writing. The words always seem silly and too much or not enough. I never draw because the image in my head never matches the image I create. I like to carve wood because it always tells me when I do it wrong. In a way it is more forgiving in its lack of pliability. Though I never make the time for carving. Photography is a real art that I love. You can capture an image but you have so little control for the subject. Suggestions can be made but the subject always does what it wants. If you are shooting birds or insects or clouds you just have to be in the right place at the right time and be patient. If your equipment is working well and you know how to use it then you can capture a moment of sublime beauty. Well actually if you just take lots of pictures you are bound to get a couple of good ones.